This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
