I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize