I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
