There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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