No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
