if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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