you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
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I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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