The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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