Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
