rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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