U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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