She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
