woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
