I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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