walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I want her autograph on my taint
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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