I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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