Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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