Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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