i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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