Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
