I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
