6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
