Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Panties = found
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