We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
