Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
