im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
