her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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