i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
