yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
