this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
