I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
