she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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