Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
