you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
