I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
