I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
