if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
