No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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