I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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