Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
