if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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