There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
