i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
