I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
