I hate your face
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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