I didn't shave. On purpose
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
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I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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