oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
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What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
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He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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