i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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