New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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