two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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