oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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