i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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