Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
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I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
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I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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