Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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