just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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