I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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