so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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